My Social worker should be done with our home study this week.
I should be excited....but I am not.
I know in my heart that this is the last Adoption Trip that we will make to China.
I have been in denial, but the closer we get to reviewing files...the more I have had to come to terms with it.
I am tearing up, alot.
Very out of character for me..It take a lot to make me cry.
No more dossiers.
No more referrals.
No more packing lists.
No more embassy trips.
No more babies.
Done.
Stacy and I have discussed it and like everyone else who "calls it quits" , we have many reasons- good reasons- sane reasons....but it still doesn't feel good.
It is a strange place to be.
I go from feeling guilty to sad to mad to blessed to humbled to determined to guilty.
I imagine that I will feel differently when I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and a ?? year old screaming for a cookie at the same time- but right now it just sucks...plain and simple.
Just one more of those "parenting" things that sneaks up on you.
I knew we'd stop having children "one day"-
I just didn't think "one day" would be here so soon.
On a more Perky note- I am off to YOU BELONG to start a new journal for the Caboose/s.
If you are new around here and you haven't had a chance to read my husband's take on our adoption trips- Feel free to hop over to my sidebar and check out the journals from our last two trips.
He really needs a blog of his own....seriously...just a fun guy.
That is tough..... BIG LOVES!
ReplyDeleteWOOP WOOP for the homestudy... I know that has not been an easy project :)
ReplyDeleteThese might be your last... but they are all pretty spectalar huh? You did good my friend... now enjoy!
oh A, i have so many thoughts on this post but can't share yet. soon...
ReplyDeletelove your thoughts as always!
rachel
Aww. Andrea, I am sorry that you have to go through feeling that. You are just a natural mom, an amazing woman. I seriously DO NOT know how you do it. Energy must just run rampant in you...and you put it to the most glorious use!! So GOOD! I also think you know when to listen to that small voice that guides you to know your limits? Mine is My husband's small voice..haha. But I'm grateful for it...most of the time.
ReplyDeleteTwo things come to mind:
ReplyDelete1. I am sorry. It's not a fun place to be, especially if getting emotional doesn't flow from you every day (I am a totally different story!). I pray right now for God to give you peace and vision for the future that is encouraging, exciting, and freeing.
2. You *never* know. I realize that our crowd isn't as big as yours, but we always said "just two". God changed our hearts, and opened doors not once, but twice. We are now a family of 4 that can't imagine adding more, but now no longer says "never". May our life be His! I'm learning (notice I didn't say "I've learned"...) to enjoy the moment and the present and let the Lord unfold the rest- being content always. Releasing my grip on having to know it all, and have it all planned out. Best of luck with that... its a lifelong process.
3. And, if this truly, truly is *it*, and this is your last adoption. Let yourself grieve it a bit and then find something really distracting to engross yourself in. :-) Chocolate? Knitting? The long version of Pride and Prejudice (repeated over and over). :-)
I have missed you, TISRA!!!
ReplyDeleteI love BOTH Pride and Prejudice...LOVE!!
...and chocolate. ;)