that is just all there is to it.
That star.
Something about that bright red star makes you feel like you are "finally gettin' somewhere".
It was the same with Mary-
Didn't really get worked up until we started signing referral paperwork and then it hit.
I am having a little"what if he hates me" anxiety.
He is a toddler..so he may.
That is freakin' me out a little.
I woke up at 3 AM a few nights ago .
A mini panic attack.
I do this when I have to leave the kids.
I want to take them all.
I know it is a horrible idea..but I still do not want to leave them.
So my other plan was for Stacy to stay home and me just go alone....not so great for Stacy..but Good for me and my stress level.
Breathe, Daddy...He said NO! & something about me not being able to stay out of trouble & what that would do to HIS stress level...whatever that means?!?!
I have always been a "have my cake and eat it too" person.
By the GRACE of GOD, I have been blessed with the only man on earth who actually thinks that my little character flaw is part of my charm.
I know that the kids will be fine, but I still have the same fears....
What if the plane goes down? What if we get sick over there? What if something goes wrong with the adoption? What if we get robbed? and My favorite...and honestly the most likely... What if I hack someone off and we get thrown into a Chinese prison?
What?? You never thought of that?
We are hoping that we are hoping a plane in 6 weeks..but we are not betting the farm on it.
My Grandmother is still in the hospital and her health is slowly getting worse.
She is on dialysis now.
She needs it.
We do not want her to keep that fluid on.
It is so hard to keep it off when you can't get up and move around and that vent makes it impossible.
She is also tired...but not too tired to mouth words to the kids and get a little hacked when they can't understand what she is trying to say. Sassy Thang.
She is a fighter..Always has been.
She is amazing to us and she is baffling her doctors.
She is my hero..Always will be.
6 kids.
3 boys/3 girls.
The Brady Bunch in Boots..only Alice was no where to be seen.
I do not want to leave her.
I am afraid that something will happen and I am on the other side of the world.
But I will.... She would just sigh and shake her head at me..if I told her that i was staying.
She really doesn't have to say anything behind that...you know exactly what she means,"I would have expected more than that from you".
No-one and I mean No-one wants to see that from her.
I am sure it was (at one time) her most Powerful Parenting Tool.
So those are the top 3 on my prayer list right now-
Adam Andrew Xiang & Bennie Lee & My Big Babies.
Prayin' 2 home & for 5 stayin' at home.
It is a complicated place to be....but I am blessed to be here.
PEACE.
Andrea, I am so happy to see that red star too! I will be praying for all of the details and your grandmother as well. love ya!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I'm glad to hear that even YOU are afraid sometimes. Makes me feel more normal. :) I'll be praying for your gramma, for you, for Adam, for your kids. It's the least I can do, really. I feel your stress.
ReplyDeleteSending big hugs from NH!!
LOL!
ReplyDeleteI am afraid ALOT!!!
I just don't tell people...messes with tha rep.;)
A
You're in that hard emotional place. On the one hand you get to hold your baby boy soon, and on the other you have to leave your other babies a world away to get to hold your baby boy... so hard! I'm just sure this is what Skype was invented for - so we mamas can see our kids no matter where we are. Oh, and 17 inch laptop screens so ALL the kids can be seen ;-) And I sooo relate to leaving your precious grandma. When we brought Kaeleb home we feared my daddy would breathe his last while we were gone, but our amazing God allowed him to meet our newest Baby K AND gave my dad the consciousness and breath to profess Jesus as his Savior - praise God!
ReplyDeleteSo rest in His plans, and I know you've lined up excellent help for your bigs. As for the Chinese prison thing, hmmmm, keep your hands to yourself and don't get behind the wheel of a car ;-)
Hugs to you, my friend!
Connie
hey, a!
ReplyDeleteso great to read an update! i've been wondering about what you guys have been up to and this is all very exciting news!
first of all, adam is gonna ADORE you. you're fabulous and all kids adore you. i will pray specifically for this. and even if it ends up not being "bonding at first sight" like it was with mary, he will definitely bond to you over time and that's okay, too. but he WILL bond to you and adore you! no doubt about it!
dan had a similar reaction to stacy when i suggested my sis and i go to ethiopia without him and he stay with the kids. he would not have it. men! haha!
i'll be praying for you, girl! and i'll be praying for your grandma, too! it's all going to work out perfectly. i can feel it.
love and xo!
rach
Okay- BREATHE GIRL! Hey, if you do get thrown in to a Chinese prison please let me know. I would be more than happy to come visit you... as long as I get to do a little siteseeing, eating, and shopping too. But, obviously, the trip would totally be to visit you :)
ReplyDeleteLike a Chinese Prison would know what to do with you!!! And although you know it already, me, Uncle Joe, HP, and LC will have it GOING ON while you are gone! All will be fine.
ReplyDeleteI know ya'll do, Girl!
ReplyDeleteYou better believe that is the ONLY reason they ain't goin! :)
xoxo,
A
Oh Andrea, I can RE-LATE!!!! I've been dreaming A-LOT lately too....I just can't remember anything about them in particular. I just wake up in the morning with that rush of panic and a sense of so much going on in my head.
ReplyDeleteThe travel situation has really got me tied in knots. I think we're leaning more toward just the two of us going, but it's not set in stone. Your comment about this being the only opportunity to spend time with JUST mama and baba really spoke to my heart. This little girl will have been waiting almost 4 years for her parents, and for all of her life she's been sharing attention, I think she deserves at least two weeks of undivided attention, huh??
With that said, I HATE leaving the boys behind. We've never left them for that long and never have been that far away before. My mind has gone through so many what-ifs, its spinning!!! My parents will come here, and we have many friends that will help out keeping them 'busy' and keep life going on as normal, but I'm just going to miss them SO MUCH!
I think if we didn't have such long in country flights...5 hours from Beijing to Xinjiang, then another 5 hours from Xinjiang to GZ, I might be leaning differently...but we're talking major travel, jet lag, etc..... then WHAT happens if one or more of us gets sick....me in partucular....I can function with Pneumonia and a fever, but when I'm hit with a GI bug...I'm out of commission and inevitably end up in the hospital for fluids....anyway, you see where I'm at???!!!!
BREATHE, and PRAY, I know!!!
wow! great post! so intimate and yet so common to motherhood.
ReplyDeletei wish i could tell you with absolute certainty that you have nothing to fear but, from experience, my toddler was just saying the other day "Matthew not like mama!" (numerous times) and i was not by my mama's side when she passed. both fears for me...and both came true! but, just like the fears you have ahead of time, the fears-come-true just have to be given to God for HIs peace to cover. but you know all of that!!!!
i have been praying for your little monkey!!!
UUUUGGG!
ReplyDeleteMy kids say, "Your not my best friend!", which translates into the same as M's latest turn of phrase.
It just makes you want to cry...then I'm thinkin'
"I spend half my day wipin' your butt and THIS is the thanks I get?!"
OR"I liked you better when you were non-verbal"...I think that one~ ALOT!!!!
My Dad says my Memaw is retaining alot of fluid and that sometimes she doesn't look like herself.
I do not think I can take that.Visiting her was hard because she was talking and was on the vent(trached) and you could tell she wanted to just get up and leave & physically could not. I wanted to break and run..but I had to just act like it was just an everyday part of life and carry-on like nothing was different.
She is the "tough girl"..and to see her in a vulnerable state...it is just hard to wrap my mind around...I just want to walk in there and hand her her cowboy boots and tell her to "come on".
I know that is the reaction of a 3 year old...but for some odd reason- that's all i got.:)
Thank you for prayin' for my Baby!
You know there have ACTUALLY been a few nights when I had to go " Oh yeah, God...Please take care of my Baby?!?!?"
I swear I think I am loosing brain cells!
xoxo,
A